when you fall in love and you’re a heaux

when i first began down this career path (yes i said that) i often heard that “i wasn’t made for this,” a friend and a client assessed. i asked my friend why she said that, and she said because i stop working when i fall in love. the client, one of my first who took advantage of my ignorance, thought the same because, of course, i was so kind and polite and overly generous as a baby whore. i still suffer from my kindness and generosity as i embark on a milestone in this industry:  but that’s because kindness is my nature.

at the time i was being told i was not made for this work because love made me want to focus on my man. or because i was nice, then, like now, it puts a bad taste in my mouth. the idea that a whore should not love is one of the myths that plague us and was ultimately the cause of downfall in my client relationship last year.

to put it to you plainly, stop viewing whores and other sex workers as anything less than human. we are allowed to fall in love. our jobs do not make us any less human than you are when you fall in love with your bosses, teachers, doctors, or over that tired ass nigga that has never done shit for you. when you think of us with this glaring prejudice, it embraces stigmatic attitudes towards us and continues to make our work and lives harder. laws that govern our bodies and our human and labor rights are violated by this attitude that we are somehow immune to being loved and being loving.

[but entitled clients do make us turn into some stone cold bitches. just like any other business, where you learn that you can’t let your customer base take advantage of you so, GAME FACE!]

i thought to write about this because of that fuckin senegalese again. i wrote about him in another post. and i am way too lazy to hunt it down and link it. but the point is that i allowed him to once again piss me off. and while i don’t love him, things he said to me kind of killed my spirit. it made me go into a midday depression sleep. i contemplated my existence, my worth, how i am as a woman; and if being #singleforlife is actually what i want. in other words the nigga killed my whore vibe. mfka told me i was #hardtolove among some other straight BUUUUULLLLSHIT.

womenhardtolove

and this is why i hate men and the power they hold. or how the idea of wanting to find love can be a thorn in my fuckin side. i hate meeting anyone or loving anyone outside of my sister wives because men are TRASH. they ruin everything. i have found that most men i have encountered have done little to uplift me. the best use i’ve had of men have been when i focus on my whoring. in other words, get that money bitch!

love is a distraction, at least for me. when i decide i want to try and give someone my feelings, all i want is that person. and being in the sex industry should not absolve me from these feelings. you mfkz watch way too much TV.  let me say it again, sex is a job. just like when you meet someone and fall in love and all you want to do is spend day and night with them and not want to go to work, it’s the same fuckin thing when you are a whore! where do you people get your fucked up ideals anyway? edit to add: it comes from the patriarchal misogynistic idea that men can fuck women and discard them without loving them. for many men, sex does not equate to love. and whores are unlovable because society in general has sexual suppression. and the madonna/whore complex is still rampant in our culture, embedded via religious ideology. so any woman that can have sex with strangers is dirty. and somehow taking money for sex makes it even more filthy. but mainly, this bullshit idea that SWers can’t fall in love is because the patriarchy views any kind of bold bitch that says fuck the system as an outcast anyway. so stop loving the bitch. and in turn she can’t love you cause she’s really a fuckin robot)

in a perfect world i’d be able to be a whore, make this money, and my man would not think i am dirty or unworthy of being loved because of it. and i’d still be able to love him the same because just as a shrink gives you their mental energy and goes home to their spouses and is able to give them a different love energy, i can do the same while being a sex worker.

but love is a major distraction. and it pains me to want to experience someone outside of work while trying to dominate this industry as an older black woman. the good thing about this last stint at trying to have something with someone (albeit a worthless fuckin liar), is that this time i practiced a little mindful detachment. i liked him just enough to try to hold on, but not enough to not tell him to fuck off and accept his dismissal of me as a gift.

i am worthy of being loved.

and it’s ok if i fall in love and want to tell my work to fuck it. who tf doesn’t do that? who isn’t distracted by the wonders of what a new found potential life or long-term/short-term partner can bring? who hasn’t been mystified by the wonders of new aura, energy and romanticize feelings?

yo, miss me with that i’m a whore so i can’t fall in love shit. sex work is a job title. it doesn’t make us any less human. we love. we have families, partners, feelings, motives. i just can’t fuck with it when i’m trying to survive, because men are trash. and when love shatters, no matter who your partner is, love can be trash too. i legit don’t have time for it. i need to make this money. so to the 2 bums i’ve had to cut loose on my trip around the world, good riddance bitch. i questioned my sanity for about 2 seconds. now let me go suck this dick.

dedicated to blair.

BH

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