the loneliness of intolerance

there’s a loneliness to being strong and intolerable. sometimes you have to cry it out as you wonder to yourself, “could i have done this a different way and still be with who i love?”

it’s been 14 days since i last spoke to him. and for every day he doesn’t call, it becomes clear he never will. but that’s what happens sometimes when you tell someone to never call again isn’t it? they just, never, call.

and i wonder if he is ok. but if i know men, i know that they are always ok. they just, aren’t calling. and then i start to analyze me. could i have been less of an “angry black woman?” sick and tired of being tired. too aware of what was happening. too intelligent so to speak? too awake to the microaggressions against me? too unwilling to hold on to attacks against me long enough to get what i need out of a situation. upset about her own mistakes in the situation. fearful of being hurt, again, and again. fearful that he will take away her pride, even moreso than when he sat there in my ear negotiating my worth; loud and clear for me to hear it. unwilling to recognize that i wasn’t asking him for money so there was no need for him to see how much money he would have left after dealing with more important matters. could i have insulted the magical institution of whoring anymore by leasing myself out to someone that reminds me so much of heartache and vulnerability? a vulnerability that i have come to realize that some men, most men, many men, see and use to take advantage of you?

upset about her own mistakes in the situation. fearful of being hurt, again, and again. fearful that he will take away her pride, even moreso than when he sat there in my ear negotiating my worth; loud and clear for me to hear it. unwilling to recognize that i wasn’t asking him for money so there was no need for him to see how much money he would have left after dealing with more important matters. could i have insulted the magical institution of whoring anymore by leasing myself out to someone that reminds me so much of heartache and vulnerability? a vulnerability that i have come to realize that some men, most men, many men, see and use to take advantage of you?

the truth is this: i am kind, i am loving, i am caring. and in all of those ‘good’ qualities i realize it makes me foolish, unfit to be a quality whore. as a woman we have no room to be kind, it is often perceived as weakness and used against us. and on that day i wasn’t kind. i was furious.

i was short.

i told him never to call me again and he hasn’t. now

now i am sitting here lonely, missing him and his flaws that make me so angry. and missing him and the things about him that i love so much. it’s hard when you have adoration and respect for someone, to deal with knowing that there is a side of them, even unconsciously, that does not value you. i want to believe the things he has said to me about how he feels about me and our future together. i saw it in his eyes the last time he told me he loved me. but how can i truly believe this when the things he does makes it so hard?

every now and then i have gotten lucky in my life to be with a man that was willing and able to be what i needed him to be. this was the first time in my life where the feelings were reciprocated from this type. and it’s also the first time that i have felt that if i allowed too much that i would feel like a fool, again, and i couldn’t allow it. i know that i wasn’t wrong in how i felt. i am unapologetic in the things i said that have now contributed to my loneliness, which is leaving me to wonder if a kinder, gentler approach could have made this situation better. but i cannot help but feel like every time i have exerted this stance of a strong woman who refuses to be disrespected, how lonely it is. is this what it’s about? my bullshit detector making me sit here feeling like i could have done things better? is this the key to happiness? loneliness! couldn’t i have just waited to talk to him and tell him things differently than getting all up in my feelings and telling him to fuck off? letting him know how worthless his money was and that his language was offensive!

i could have, sure. but i have also been fighting with myself to go back to the days where i had a more wild nature. one less cerebral and giving a fuck about how someone felt or what they would think. you know hitting first, then finding out later if you were wrong for hitting.

i wasn’t wrong.

i am sure of it.

i really wanted this to work. But…

what he was saying to me was a foul and unnecessary declaration to his unconscious views of me. because with men, without distinct labels and set clear rules and boundaries, they will call the shots and set the tone of your relationship. i know that on his list of important things and people i am at the bottom. i just didn’t need to hear it. i expressed this in my follow-up message to him where i stated: “life is short and i love you.” he still hasn’t called.

so last night i had a true moment to feel, and i cried. because at the end of the day sometimes the people we love are assholes. and when you stand up as a woman who is tired, it leaves you laying in your bed at night, knowing that the person you love is probably never going to call you again. and it hurts. and it’s lonely. and you wonder, should you continue to practice intolerability?

well, i guess if it means keeping your dignity. but if i could do it again, i would practice my intolerability a little differently. but some people aren’t worth the wait. that moment for you to calm down and approach them with more mindfulness. i mean really, he didn’t approach me with an ounce of mindfulness when he let me know he would see what crumbs he had left to give to me when all was said and done. while i may love him, i guess i must accept that our time is done.

i’d already suspected a shift in his energy anyway. i just didn’t want to believe it.

BH

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