To conform or not to conform

About a week ago I was with some friends talking about a new business venture. One, that if it actually happened, would stand me to make quite possibly a decent living embracing my other skills. I was excited. During the conversation about my many experiences with my boyfriends, my friend and her husband started having these fantasy scenarios about how our lives will turn around. It was the husband’s turn to tell his story. In the story, I am running one of their businesses and end up meeting a guy I liked. This motherfucker that will never exist (in my current reality anyway) picks me up from the office with a fancy outfit he picked out for me. Then we go to some fancy restaurant and before you know it, one day I’m engaged. Now while I do have a Cinderella complex and on occasion fantasize about meeting such a man, this wasn’t the part of the story that was just out of this world. At the end of this random fairytale, the husband then said then you won’t be a ho anymore. To which I proudly proclaimed, “Oh that’s never gonna happen!”

My girlfriend laughed, “He wants to change you BH. He wants you to conform.” And in my mind I thought, I have already been changed.

You see for years, most of my life, I spent my days chasing dreams of being with a man, if only to play house. I’ve cooked many lovers dinners, gave them my body, was faithful and loving. When the Black Heaux loves, she loves HARD! And when I’m with you, I’m with you. But the problem was that the men that kept coming into my circle were worthless entitled pricks that took advantage of everything I was.

I understand and believe that there are wonderful men out there. One or two may even be a good fit for me. But my reality is this, I never met one. And if I did, our stint didn’t last long enough. When I express this almost every person begins to feel sympathy for me and tell me that I shouldn’t think like that. This upsets me because what I basically hear is that you want me to shy away from my reality in order to please yours. I don’t live in a fantasy world. And my experiences are what make me who I am. It’s what causes me to make certain decisions. When someone tells me that what I think and feel based off my own reality is incorrect, I feel judged, and my experiences invalidated.

If I were set to be with someone, when the time comes, if it comes, I will be. Why can’t people just understand that this is my truth and my journey? Why does every life have to end in some twisted fairytale where I get married to some man. Maybe this right now is my happy ending. I went from being miserable in love with countless men. Trying to get their attention, their affections. Trying to get them to take me seriously, only to be burned so badly sometimes that I thought maybe I should kill myself instead.

When I became a ho it saved me and made me realize that I was wasting so much time and energy on people that didn’t matter. And the ones that matter would either pay for it or do everything in their power to earn my love and my body. While some clients have hinted or outright tried to date me, none of them were smart enough to know that it would take them turning mountains for me to give them my heart. Unworthy.

There’s no doubt in my mind that one day I will meet someone who will just be enough. But for now this is enough. I don’t need to change. I’ve already changed. I was down a very dangerous path in love and I conformed to suit my situation. Nothing makes me happier than this right now. Accept it. If I insisted on pretending that the heartbreaking situations I kept finding myself in wasn’t a lie that I needed to rid myself of I may not be here typing this right now. All our journey’s are different. And every woman doesn’t need to be involved in stereotypical relationships to be happy.Be happy for me now. I conformed to fit my needs. Not yours.

BH

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