I’ve never really considered myself to be a “pretty girl”. I mean, there are days when I think I’m absolutely gorgeous and compliments on my beauty are plentiful but I’m still no stunner. At least in my opinion. I grew up as an ugly duckling. My darker complexion probably had a lot to do with that. (Interracial studies and biases). I was never the girl chosen by the boy if myself and a friend liked the same guy. The other friend was usually taller and light skinned and I would always get passed up. I was the one that boys only dealt with because I had a nice body. They’d fuck me, but they never wanted to be with me.
These are the makings of a black heaux.
I’ve never been one to steer away from the blatant stereotypes of what makes a sex worker end up in sex work. I am the poster child for it all and I’m ok with that. Everyone is the poster child for some way that they ended up in life. Being a ho is no different.
But this is not about why I chose the path that I’m on.
On occasions in my life I’ve had to be victim to my “pretty girl-ism.” You know, when a man tells you that because you’re pretty you think you can get what you want. You think someone is supposed to “sweat” you. Yeah go ahead. Treat me like shit. I’m the spoiled little pretty girl.
It breaks my heart the inconsistencies I’ve had in love throughout my life. Recently I tried to explain myself to a boy I like. I was being a little difficult towards him because I liked him, and he was well…displaying behaviors of many of the men I’ve met before. And I am totally tired of meeting the same men over and over and again.
This one was younger than I am. Much younger. He had been “chasing” me for approximately 4 years. Trying to get my attention, but I wouldn’t give him the time of day. And I had many good reasons not to. Pants saggin, drug swindling, not the most articulate, the braids. But he got lucky one night. And being the romantic I am, I hoped he would be different, because already he was so different than anyone I would want to give the time of day to.
Now, my friends have said that men like him only want to make money and have sex. Nothing more. But this one I am sure liked me. To me, he was just a 20 odd year old idiot. The overtexting (something I’ve experienced with men twice his age as well). This is the syndrome where real world conversations (connecting) is out the window. And their bravery only comes from texting. WACK. His availability was limited. And him being on parole didn’t help the cause either.
I know what you’re thinking, but that’s not the point.
The point is I have now been reduced to being ignored. Something I utterly hate. But it didn’t have to come to this. I liked the kid. And I wanted to explain to him that I’m not being difficult because I’m a miserable bitch, or too pretty for my own good. I was being difficult because too many times in my life I’ve met men that just never treat me like anything, despite how pretty they say I am.
I was just a human being underneath all this flesh. Desperately wanting to connect with someone. To genuine love them and have them genuinely love me. I desperately want someone to say they like me and mean it. Oh gosh it’s not that hard men, it really isn’t. If 3am is the only time you can find for a girl, it’s fine. But get creative. Diners are open 24 hours. Bring flowers. Hug her, kiss her. Is that so much to ask for! *tears*
It’s not that I want to be a bitch. That we women or pretty girls want to be bitchy. It’s that so many, far too many of you men are either broken or out of touch with femininity that you treat everyone you come in contact like shit even if you don’t realize it. If the amount of men I’ve come in contact with and those of my other female friends have come in contact with, is any indicator of the amount of shit that is out there, then there’s slim pickings on quality men.
And quality is not necessarily someone who speaks well or makes a lot of money. Quality comes in the way that person treats you and others. If making money is more important to you than connecting with someone that is interested in you and wants to talk to you, hold you and kiss you, then you are not a person of quality. At least not by my standards.
If making the effort to take someone out is too much then your quality is null and void.
If calling, caring, talking is a bit much, then you are not a person of quality. Sorry.
I’m more than just a big butt and a smile. Don’t reduce me to just that. In my work, I refuse any client that seems to only be about the sexual aspect of our time together. I’d rather someone who is looking for a more consistent and deeper connection. Why should I reduce myself to that in my personal life with lovers.
The next time you meet a girl, a pretty girl even, and she’s difficult remember these things. She probably just needs to be loved. She needs reassurance that you are not going to let her down like so many others have. She needs to know that you like her, that you want to know her. She needs to know that you think she’s beautiful. She wants to be wanted. Her heart may have been trampled on a thousand times by others who assumed that, just because she’s a pretty girl, that she’s been giving the world. And therefore she needs tough love. When in fact the only tough love she needs is you showing her with minimal effort that she’s worthy of being loved.