i should add a page to this blog titled occupational hazard to express all the “hazardous experiences” i’ve had with clients and the potentials. here’s one of many however.
THE FIRST OFFENSE
dear, oh dear. after an enormous dry spell (i’m not sure if people are being cheap or dying out) i finally got a break. so this handsome hispanic guy comes in. i offer him a shot of whiskey (it’s cold out). Then he asks to use my bathroom. No bother, but when he comes out he’s about to go back in to shower because that’s how I do business. (See previous post about hygiene).
When he comes out the bathroom I start to engage him in small talk, then let him know that he’d have to shower before we begin.
Side bar: I was totally going to start the session without the usual shower because he was in a bit of a rush and I wanted to get it over with. But my right mind told me to follow my protocol. It’s in place for a reason.
I step out the room with the towel and wash cloth in hand and this awful smell hits me. I’m like, “oh gosh. I think the cats just used the litter box.” Smelled like a fresh shit. When I open the bathroom door I immediately realize that it wasn’t the cats but instead this man just blew up my toilet.
I had to remain composed.
But then to add insult to injury he wants me to help him shower. *All the while I’m trying to hold my breath and this fool is asking me to stay in the bathroom with him and the smell of his lingering defecation in the toilet is making me want to run for dear life*
I smile and say: “sure give me a moment. You take the first few minutes and I’ll be right in.” I rush out the bathroom and light sage to get rid of the smell that is seeping through the apartment. I reluctantly re-enter the bathroom to help wash this man’s body. *Thank goodness the smell has disappeared a bit, but wtf this is not a part of his session package. I should just tell him. Oh no girl just go ahead and suck it. But this is something for a 90 minute session not an hour session wtf does he think this is? Whatever just soap him up it will be fine.*
I do a quick wash, avoiding all invitations to join in. He mentions he showered earlier. I care not! But I am wondering if he used the baby wipes that is clearly visible. AND if in his first few minutes in the shower alone, did he wash the inside of his ass?
SIDE BAR: Just using toilet tissue to wipe (unless you have an impeccable intestine) is not the best way to clean yourself properly. You must wipe the inside and outside of the butt cheeks. Yes there is the smearing factor. Keep it all clean.
So we begin with the erotic deep tissue massage. All is ok. But then…
THE SECOND OFFENSE
He wanted a prostate massage. I swallowed my fear that to do this meant that I might end up smelling the fecal matter from his earlier toilet visit.
Now, I’m not good at this, I cannot lie. Anytime I’ve massaged the prostate of a lover it’s usually been guided, I warned him. He tried to explain that his other massage therapist does it and tried to explain the different ways in which she does it, but not before I attempted to go in the rectum and try and massage him internally.
SIDE BAR: I wore gloves. Thank goodness for gloves!
And why did I do that??? Now I was sure he didn’t use the baby wipes, or at least how I would do it to make sure my rectum was clean. I could almost see the aroma slowly creeping up from his ass to my nostrils. I was pissed. Elated was I when he said we could try this more in depths another time.
Then he offered more money to engage me fully. Thank goodness because the lingam massage I was giving seemed to be going on forever and I just wanted to get away from the seated position I was in straddling him, which was keeping me in direct contact with that. smell.
I gathered the protection and the lube, and then…
THE THIRD OFFENSE
I got on top. He sat up to be closer to my body, to suck on my breasts, to kiss my neck.
His breath. Smelled. Like. Shit.
Oh dear god WHYYYY?????
Why is it that in an emotional mental way that this is one of the most perfect people to walk in the door.
He understands tantra an the importance of touch. He is not just about pleasing himself but the partner. He is about a connection. He is about the journey and not the destination. He knows how he wants to be touched. He understands, he understands! But this, this is just evil.
I ask for doggystyle.
Oh there is a god in heaven after all. There was no objection.
The ordeal was over within minutes. *Yes, yes yes! No more horrid breath. Get out! Ugh! I must scour my body!*
AND THERE’S MORE?
One would think this ordeal would be over, but he lingers around for a bit. Expressing his enjoyment of the session and that he would like to see me again. Oh and that he can be my personal gigolo. (My fault for telling him how I really needed to have sex. That always seems to be an invitation for free sex to the boys.) <—For another post.
He drinks water from one of my glasses and I vow to steam it with hot water.
*Something else for another post* Asking my my real name and for my personal number. (Jeezus christ you boys have nerve. STOP. DOING THIS! It’s none of your fuckin business. Why the fuck do you all have to be so goddamn intrusive???
He heads for the door, but not before he stops me. To do what? Suck on my left nipple because he neglected it during our time. *Christ. I could have done without that.* Now I have to scour both nipples. Thanks.
Eventually he leaves and I am grateful for not only his time but his departure. How can I see someone with such bad breath again? That wasn’t just I’ve been out all day breath, it was my breath smells like shit breath. The ass can be combated, I hope.
Note to self: Stop forgetting to write the post it for the bathroom where it invites them to freshen up. Leave a towel and wash cloth in the bathroom, with a toothbrush visible. Also visible should be the toothpaste and signs to the mouthwash, cups and baby wipes. (Though all of thee are visible nothing beats a tender nudge). Oh, and leave out a few mints on the towel and have them clearly visible in the bedroom. Maybe include putting a mint in you and their mouths during each session.
He texts me: He wants to taste me. Oh dear god nooooooooo! I’d have to soak in a tub of vodka after THAT SHIT.
I respond: I don’t typically do that. ( I don’t. I hate strangers going down on my yoni). But if i do there would have to be dental dam.
Note to self: Buy dental dam by the buttloads.
Merry Xmas to me. I guess.